Executive Orders

Executive order 321 as drafted by Mike Pence: “Clinical pelvic exams, out-of-wedlock, will be officially replaced by a less intimate procedure, the pelvic prediction. All so-called gynecologists will be deported to Ethiopia, and will be replaced by certified fortune tellers, renamed forunetologists, who will conduct thorough pelvic predictions from a safe distance followed by excessive apologies and a curative prayer session.

I'm sorry Trump
But seriously, I love this new executive order. So brave.

Executive order #7213: All clinically proven treatments of sexually transmitted diseases and sexually acquired infections and injuries are suspended for a period of 90 days for unmarried women. Gynecologists will be required to memorize Leviticus 20, and recite the passage to patients in loving monotony. Homosexual exchanges will be suspended except by evangelical pastors, contingent on their donations to pedophile candidates. Prospective masturbators are now eligible to apply for parole, the M-2 Visa, or temporary permission to masturbate, for a period of two years and, if granted, can apply to extend the temporary permission to continue masturbating for an additional three years. Sexual intercourse during menses is suspended until further whim. Women are to be surgically altered with a labial zipper that must be in the upright position during menses. Infection caused by a backflow of blood and other matter should be tolerated graciously.

Trump, short of killing myself

 

OMG, this is really crossing the line:  #666 The new executive order that requires that any citizen with one or more ancestors who originally came here in chains be deported by containership to the closest nation in which any or all said ancestors were originally sold. Beverages, doritos, and planters fiesta flavored nut mix will be provided onboard for a fee. To determine provenance, HHS will collect DNA samples at all federally funded schools, libraries and museums.