Never Mind the Bolex

SMOOTH BULLDOG BALLS ARE NOT BETTER LOOKING OR WORSE LOOKING. I imagine it’s a total wash (totally even, in terms of numbers of partners who prefer smooth bulldog balls to, say, pruned rat terrior balls to, say, castrated balls). Speaking of a wash, clean balls ARE preferred according to peer reviewed studies.

This video reminded me of the time when I was 12, and i was watching Oprah and she had a makeup artist on the show, who declared that what is best is if your eyes are at least an eye length away from each other, and if they aren’t, you could delude people by only putting eyeliner on the outer edges of the waterline (which, btw, looks really fuckin weird, and is what my sister and i did for the next five years). I remember running to the bathroom mirror during the break, and measuring the width of my eye and then the distance between eyes, and just feeling shattered to realize that here again was another reason I was unfit. i had no idea that a narrow face was disgusting until that day, no specialist had yet broken the news. I think I said to my mom, “Why didn’t you tell me?” and she was like “It’s news to me, sorry that you’ve suddenly been pronounced heinous-looking.” Thank fuck it didn’t occur to me at the time that half of the kids at school were watching Oprah, and learning with me that day that I was even less atrractive than they’d thought.

Regarding the video, I think it’s interesting that we don’t get to see the before and after so we’re meant to dream up what “better” looks like and how gross he must have been to begin with. Give me a break! ARE PERFECTLY DISGUSTING BALLS NOT EVEN SACRED ANYMORE? NOBODY HAD A PROBLEM WITH THEM. How good are they supposed to look? It’s beside their point. It’s like trying to enter an unsuspecting manatee in a children’s beauty pageant. Jeeeesus. And, no, it’s not refreshing to me that men are subjected to this shit too. It’s just utter bollocks!

Speaking of which, the night Spencer and I first met in London, we’d all wound up back at his, and the two of us were playing pool, and chatting it up, and I told him I was in film school, and he rather abruptly asked if I wanted to go to his room to see his bollocks. What a nonsequitir! I got confused and a little creeped out, but i figured, he seemed like a nice guy, this must be just a cultural difference, it must just be how British people standardly start the courting, like that’s where the British initially focus their energies during a first light-petting session. Whereas in America, we might start by brushing a little hair over an ear and then progress to a light kiss, a nibble on the neck, and take it from there, in England, the couple would just dispense with such subtleties and go straight to exposing the balls (and somehow only the balls) for immediate appraisal and manipulation, I surmised. It wasn’t a dealbreaker, and I did go to his room, cause, come on, he was so cute and funny, so i was prepared to do as the Romans do, and be culturally sensitive…but I will admit that when he proudly pulled out his badly-broken Bolex 16mm film camera, I was slightly relieved. True story.