Final paragraphs of my eBay listing for my size 42 Prada pumps

…There is wear: light scuffing and considerable stretch marks on the inner shank, near the toe box. The 3.5-inch stiletto heels have a few scratches as well. The shoes have been resoled with Topy rubber protectors (the best, on par with Vibram). The replacement soles are fairly worn though… Frankly, it looks like “someone” took the name “pump” to heart (and other organs) and festively fucked a stranger in a public restroom in these…possibly at a gas station…but just twice…or four times, maybe not at all…but maybe several times…you’ll oscillate between these possibilities when you wear these pumps, I promise or fear. I can’t pretend to know that these thoughts will be stirring, but today we can together hope that they will be.

Much to my (or someone’s) shame and chagrin, the photographs don’t lie, as they depict the imperfections, jizz stains, and overall condition. Please don’t bid unless you understand that these are in lovingly worn (as in fornicated in) condition. They still look great to me but use the photos as your guide, only you know how pristine and jizzless you require your footwear to be.

Thanks for considering these massive Prada pumps. I feel a special kinship with my fellow big-footed fashionistas. I know it’s a first-world problem, but how annoying is it that designers refuse to make an array of shoes in our size? One day, we stylish clod-hopping, freshly fucked giants in the earth will rise up Antifa-ishly, march over to the fashion district with clubs and pepper spray in mammoth hands, and make them stop neglecting us! We’re worth it!